One of my mentors says that we are, in fact, all the ages we’ve ever been. Over the years, we live through different stages, accumulate experiences, and gather stories and memories. At 49 years old, I am also a blond pigtailed 4 year old that dances often and gets lost in imaginative play, a 12 year old in lace gloves and ripped jeans  that idolizes Madonna, a 23 year old Mom that loves bright colours and playing with her toddler at the beach, and a eager 35 year old ready to start a career in play therapy.  We also carry with us the challenges, hardships, and scars that we experienced at each age. The overwhelm, emotional pain, and trauma from all of those ages are with us too.  Some of these experiences are conscious, we can remember them clearly and bring them to mind, while many others remain buried beneath our awareness, in the unconscious—stored in the right hemisphere of our brain.

One aspect of play therapy that I’ve come to cherish is when children revisit developmental stages they may have missed. In the safety of our relationship and the sacred therapy room, they are able to express what is needed to help them grow. I have spent many sessions with a seven-year-old boy, crawling around and drinking from a baby’s bottle. I’ve held space while a five-year-old wrapped herself tightly in a cloth, slowly stretching her arms and legs out, as if returning to the womb. I’ve been filled with joy watching little faces appear as they burst through the end of a tunnel. 

Sometimes, there’s even a request to place pillows at the end of the tunnel and hold them there, so they can push against them and physically work to free themselves. And over time, I’ve become really good at singing lullabies.

After a session like this, I check in with the parents. We often circle back to the child’s birth story, and it’s affirming to hear that the boy who needed to push against the pillows was born after a quick 20-minute labor—he missed the pushing, the journey. Or, the boy who repeatedly struggle do move his body through a twisted tunnel was born via c-section, missing the birth journey altogether.

Children can revisit any developmental stage that they did not fully complete during early childhood. Sometimes this is obvious—like crawling and drinking from a bottle—but other times, it’s less so. For example, it could show up as a child struggling with autonomy. The 7-year-old who resisted his infancy might also have been searching for the relational attunement and connection he missed during that period of his life.

In play therapy, we cannot make concrete statements about what is happening in the child’s process. We work with curiosity and assumptions, never absolutes. The only one who truly knows what’s going on during a session is the child—though they may not have the words to express it.

How do children “miss” developmental stages? There are many reasons, but they are often related to difficult emotional states such as stress, confusion, or fear. A child might have experienced trauma, live in a chaotic home, and feel emotionally or physically unsafe in their life. Perhaps the parent is often misatttuned and does not connect with the child in the way that they need.

It could be that the child perceives their parent as anxious or fearful, and that parent is unable to provide the regulated presence the child needs. If coregulation isn’t established, the child’s nervous system can’t find ease or safety.

It could be that the child perceives their parent as anxious or fearful, and that parent is unable to provide the regulated presence the child needs. If coregulation isn’t established, the child’s nervous system can’t find ease or safety.

A child’s nervous system learns to co-regulate, then eventually regulate independently, through their caregiver’s presence. When a child’s nervous system experiences ongoing dysregulation and a lack of safety, they spend time, perhaps a lot of time, in a state of fight or flight. In this nervous system state, the child’s body is not focused on developing fine motor skills like the pincer grasp or coordinating movement like crawling. The body’s resources are dedicated to surviving the perceived threat. The child holds on to their current understanding and experience of the world, as that is predictable and safer, as opposed to curiously trying new things and moving forward.

When safety is established for that child, the nervous system can find ease, and the child’s inherent need to grow toward their potential takes over. Unconsciously, they will engage in activities and play that meet their developmental needs, helping them “catch up” to their biological age. And the miracle of the human experience is this: those missed developmental stages can all be revisited in the therapy room. This is the magic—and the neuroscience—of play therapy.

Thanks for reading,

Warmly,

Rachael